to all my sensitive magical kindred spirits out there..
words cant describe what’s been churning inside of me the past couple weeks, but i shall try. you could say it’s been a new frontier of deeper inner work, that has stopped me from actually feeling like i can create or even want to create or move forward externally with my projects, which led me to feeling incredibly foggy murky depressed, doubtful, impotent, frustrated, insecure…
a mini anecdote: i’ve been taking Freeway the maltese and Pearl the poodle on walks – imagine 2 small white fluffy dogs on each side of me – we do get some nice attention – on the streets of highland park. lately though, after walking a few paces, Freeway wants to stop and be still, for no particular reason it seems. he just doesnt want to budge anymore. he’s definitely tapping into his own inner process. this Pause feels like an interruption, and aberration to my preconceived plan to trot rhythmically around the block. plus the sun is hot. i feel my own impatient exasperated urge to keep going, rouse him, tug his leash. in my right hand is the leash to Pearl who is tugging, charging forward, not cognizant of the wishes of me or Freeway at all. Freeway is adamant about taking his Yin (the feminine principle, associated with slowness, the intuitive receiving force) moment, and Pearl epitomizes pure Yang (the masculine principle associated with forward moving energy )
i am STUCK between Freeway and Pearl. unable to move, both sides not in communication with each other. which pretty much sums up how i’ve been feeling. my own inner IN-TENSE tug of war with my selves. my own Yang urge to TRY TO KEEP going with what I thought I want to do but there is something that does not want to budge, does NOT agree.
Caring for the part of me that is stuck, at an impasse, and allowing myself the space to explore this particular space in all its awkwardness and discomfort IS the work. allowing myself to ask, what are these aspects of myself that are perhaps scared to move forward or don’t agree with the dominant mind, what care it needs in order to feel safe, heard and seen and giving that part, and all my parts unconditional acceptance of its presence.
Allowing much space to explore the block as an important precious part of myself is challenging only because of the years of conditioning to deflect or numb out or ignore or reject these parts …. but inside the tiniest intention to pivot towards listening and connecting caring and opening to those troubling parts… is a truly rewarding reversal towards true self-love, and you gain a whole new depth of understanding for Self. i recognized in me my comfort zone preference for YANG (even as my role here in ManifestationYin is all about embracing our YIN!) – valuing more outward action as productive while judging my own YIN inward process as not. it was also bugging me that I didn’t know what was going on inside. but i could only feel that there was much happening. I felt the constriction of not giving space for the mystery of not knowing was happening underneath the surface. also, it is just plain intense to actually try to Be Present to the discomfort of the parts existing within myself that are opposing each other, saying hurtful disempowering things, etc. The fact of even becoming aware that there are different opposing parts existing within myself, and that you can actually disidentify from these parts can be jarring in itself. i’ve been contemplating what TRUST is and how to invite that more into my life. that there are things being worked out in the unseen realm, there is Great Work happening within, it is trusting the process, giving space to the process, allowing room for mystery of the universe within, holding space for that process to happen. yielding to it. letting myself open to the experience. letting myself be dumbfounded, scared. “It’s a beautiful Scared.” said molly mcdonnell ❤ scared also spells sacred rearranged!
i am feeling deep conviction that i am my own living proof that turning towards my darkness my blocks with an attitude of care, i am gaining power. Power : in the sense of connecting to a greater force of Nature that i am a child of. and i Do believe that this process is something to be honored, and is sacred. And it is a process that you can receive support with, Thank Goddess for the support that I’ve allowed myself to receive, which nourishes me more to give. there is a big web being woven, we are all connected.
i am HERE as support. please reach out to me if you would like me to be your Spiritual Ally in your own transformation.
we have learned to cope with challenges in life through action, but there is a much deeper Yin spiritual holistic way, and you don’t have to bear it in isolation! i’m now offering myself for 1-on-1 customized support! where I hold space for you to uncover your deeper wishes, and blocks, specially tailored meditation and guidance. this is a 6 week beta program which involves 1x week video conference meet. so you can be anywhere in the world, and since this is a brand new program *in beta*, it will be at a significantly reduced cost during JULY and AUGUST! email me back firstname.lastname@example.org if you’re interested! ❤