tripping and rising

I hesitated writing this ‘newsletter’ and have been stalling on it because I got tripped up on trying to write something ‘good’,  feeling twinges of defeat even before starting, thinking and thinking and thinking… meanwhile I am getting tense in my shoulders, short on breath, having the opposite of FUN, getting all serious and dutiful about it, feeling bad about myself, and suddenly imagining you all as a panel of stern judgers whispering to each other with disdain ‘gawd, what is her deal?’ stamping your foot impatiently waiting for me to hurry up, with the cherry on top now thinking ‘I shouldn’t be feeling this way! I’m supposed to be inspired and feel connected!” which just widens the gap between where I actually am and where I want to be. I am watching the whole theatre of My Projections play out before my eyes. I know it’s not ‘real’ but it feels real. on an emotional level, this obviously has deep roots from childhood, a memory floats in now of having to perform playing the violin in recitals trying not to mess up any notes so I could avoid even the slightest hint of disapproval that could make me feel less worthy than the other kids.

but NOW something is shifting, transmuting … letting myself show up here as I am in your inbox expressing to you the process of what’s really going on with me underneath the surface, connecting to how I really feel in this moment, is unraveling the tightness in my head the mind that was wrapped up in right vs. wrong duality loved vs. unloved to just a basic fact that I exist You exist in this shared space and maybe if I can let myself be as I am, and you also feeling safe to do the same, we could all live in a state of deeper richer expansive harmonic sensory flow…

I’m guided back to my mission of guiding our minds back to the wisdom of our bodies – creating and fortifying that bridge through ritual, where you could allow yourself to dive down into your inner subterranean lagoon (that’s how I’m imagining my place of peace in this moment). My emphasis is not about making the mind wrong for thinking and projecting, but about learning and knowing how to create and feel your way back to your feeling-essence-truth, especially when caught in a moment of discomfort, worry, pain. Let that moment of dis-equilibrium be an opportunity to get hypervigilant with presence to enter into the feeling willing to feel what it is, giving it space to be – invoking qualities of the ‘divine feminine’. And recruiting the mind to work in service of getting you to feel deeper, letting it find the (gluten-free non GMO lowcarb) bread crumbs to lead you back Home. and from this space allowing the insight, inspiration, to flow towards creating, manifesting what you truly want as a natural extension of your true self, that maybe will be totally different from what you thought, because you are caring about how you feel in the process, less on product/outcome, and therefore what emerges is a deeper richer expression of You.

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